Rachel B.

How do you react, what happens, when you see these parts of your body negatively?

I find myself gravitating towards looser silhouettes, even when I’d rather wear something that shows my curves. I hate to have candid photos of myself taken because I can’t control the way my body looks.

My insecurities affect the way I view other women and I think I hate that the most.

I find myself resenting women that look how I think I should look, when in reality they probably have their own struggle with accepting their bodies, and may even look at me with envy too.

I let my feelings and fear of simply existing in this body hold me back from so much that I want to do and wear and be. 

What hopes do you have that would arise when other people see these images? When you see these images?

I hope that other people see my photos and read my thoughts and find some solidarity in knowing they aren’t alone in their journey to self love.

I hope I see these photos and see beauty instead of things I want to change. 

What places on your body do you hope to see differently?

What places don’t I want to see differently? I weigh more now than I ever have, and I don’t feel like I’ve made the transition gracefully. I find myself daily criticizing my upper arms, stomach, back, thighs, and butt. I have what I’ve affectionately begun to call a “soft chin” that results in a double chin in lots of photos and when I laugh. 

How do you feel about them currently?

I feel very insecure about the weight I’ve gained in the past year. I’m a tall woman, so I’ve always felt like I’m too big. I’m taller than all my friends and taller than several of the boys I dated in the past. I’ve never felt feminine or delicate, and the recently added pounds have made me feel even more bulky and too big. The weight gain really started happening after I met and fell in love with my fiancé. The cliche of gaining weight when you’re happy held so much truth for me, but instead of looking at my new figure and feeling the contentment and happiness I feel in my relationship, I feel the need to cover up and hide. 

Who would you be if you really loved your body?

I feel like I would be fearless and invincible.

I can’t imagine a world where I don’t chastise myself over how my body looks, whether I think it’s too skinny, too fat, too anything. I feel like I would have so much more space in my brain if I simply let myself exist as I am and stopped comparing myself to every other woman I see.

I think I’d be the happiest, most peaceful, productive, and female positive version of myself.

I’m working hard to make sure that that version of myself is my priority instead of the “skinny version”.